Great start...
You've got a good sound for your first entry into the portal (i can't tell if you're new to this or not by that so I'll assume you're not!) Anyways, I'll get right to the point- here's something I felt you could keep in mind with your next piece. The beat in this one made it hard for the song to get energetic and just... flow. Try writing your beats and melodies to support each other, and your flow should improve dramatically.
I look forward to your next piece! If you have the time, would you lend your ear to one of my works and give me your feedback? I'd appreciate it.
Seek ye redemption for the sin of conformity.
AS